My journey with perfectionism: Awareness
Have you ever felt like no matter how hard you try, it’s never good enough? In the quiet hours after a sleepless night, I’d replay every mistake I made that day. Each error felt like proof that I wasn’t good enough. This was my life with perfectionism, a relentless cycle of striving and self-doubt.
Welcome to this series about my journey with perfectionism. Over a series of blogs, I’ll share my story and the steps I’ve taken to navigate this challenging trait. While my journey is still ongoing, I’ve made meaningful progress, and I hope these reflections inspire you to take your first steps too.
Though my story centers on perfectionism, I’ve come to realize that the roots of our struggles like limiting beliefs and self-doubt are things we all share. Whether you face procrastination, overthinking, or a fear of failure, my stories and advice might help you discover the beliefs shaping your behavior and empower you to create meaningful change.
What is perfectionism for me?
Let’s begin with my definition of it:
”Striving for flawlessness and setting exceedingly high standards for performance, accompanied by tendencies for overly critical evaluations.”
For me, this definition is not just abstract it aligns deeply with my experiences. Perfectionism has driven me to the following behaviors:
- Set ridiculously high standards.
- Have controlling tendencies.
- Take on too much responsibility.
- Get trapped in an endless loop of improvement.
- Neglect celebrating successes.
These behaviors have shaped how I approach work, relationships, and life. But to understand them, we need to look at their source/origin.
Before diving into my personal story, it’s important to recognize that perfectionism doesn’t exist in isolation. It’s often fueled by our beliefs, values, and early experiences. These connections became clear to me as I reflected on my behaviors and their underlying drivers.
My Story: Perfectionism at Work
In 2013, I began my career as a junior software engineer at a small fintech company. This was a defining moment where I started to notice how deeply perfectionism impacted my professional life. As a newcomer, there were naturally low expectations for me. Yet, I found myself constantly comparing my skills to the most senior engineer. In an effort to prove myself, I felt the need to do everything perfectly.
Each mistake felt monumental. A failing build, delays in task completion, or a poorly worded email to a client -- all these moments spiraled into endless self-criticism. Thinking: “If I had only done things differently, the mistake would not have happened”. And when things did go well instead of celebrating my small wins, I trivialized them. “Good, I finished something. Now, onto the next task.”
This relentless striving to prevent mistakes and continuously improve left me exhausted. It reached a breaking point when my first boss approached burnout, and I found myself more stressed than ever. Waking up at night in cold sweat thinking about my next day of work. That’s when I realized that the constant need to prove myself was unsustainable. If I continued on this path, I would have faced burnout myself.
This realization marked a turning point. I began working on myself and searching for a healthier approach to work and life. Around the same time, I discovered a course on Zen meditation. I began practicing meditation, and things slowly started to change. It was here that my journey toward finding a healthier balance with perfectionism began.
In my search for a healthier balance, I often turned to Zen stories that offered not only comfort but wisdom for navigating challenging situations. Zen stories are often characterized as absurd, funny, or shocking, but they usually carry a small life lesson. While writing this post, I remembered one such story:
A Zen Story: The Two Monks
Two monks were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As they prepared to cross, they saw a beautiful young woman struggling to find her way across.
One of the monks carried her across the river on his back. The other monk was deeply troubled but said nothing. Hours later, he finally spoke: “How could you carry her? We’re monks; it’s forbidden!”
The first monk replied, “I put her down hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?”
Our limiting beliefs often come from clinging to old rules or judgments. Letting go of them frees us to move forward. Our behavior is a result of past experiences. Just like the monk still carrying the beautiful young woman in his mind, I was still carrying my past experience and the need to prove myself. This story is about letting go of these limiting beliefs so they no longer have a grasp on your life.
Becoming aware of our limiting beliefs
Through meditation and coaching, I began to explore the origin of my perfectionism. In meditation, I learned to observe my inner thoughts without judgment, creating space to question the beliefs driving my perfectionism. This process involved meditating with the uncomfortable feeling of “not being good enough” and exploring where it came from. I discovered that much of it stemmed from limiting beliefs -- deeply ingrained ideas formed during childhood and my formative years.
Limiting beliefs, like “I must always be productive” or “Mistakes make me a failure,” shape your behaviors and self-perception. While they may have served a purpose at one point, they often hold us back as adults.
For example, I once reframed ‘Mistakes make me a failure’ into ‘Mistakes are learning opportunities.’ This shift helped me see errors as moments for growth. However, I noticed that conflicting beliefs emerged: part of me still clung to the idea of failure. While this hack offered short-term relief, I realized that true change required addressing my sense of self-worth -- something I’ll dive into in a future post.
If you’re curious about your own limiting beliefs, here’s a simple exercise:
1. Reflect on your inner thoughts. What do they say when you make a mistake or face a challenge? Are they encouraging or critical?
2. Identify which beliefs feel true to you. For example, “I must be perfect to be loved” or “I’m not good enough.
3. Choose one belief to work on. Awareness is the first step to change.
Here is an example resource listing common limiting beliefs:
100 Limiting Beliefs Examples & How to Unlock Your Potential
Take a moment to explore which ones resonate with you. I often find that reading them in my native language makes them resonate more powerfully.
A final thought
Perfectionism is more than just behavior; it’s rooted in the layers of values, beliefs, and identity. These layers are defined by Robert Dilts as logical levels. I won’t go in-depth here, but if you want to read more, this is an excellent blog post explaining it:
Self-Coaching Tool: The Pyramid of Logical Levels by Robert Dilts
By understanding these layers, we can begin to challenge the cycle of perfectionism and embrace a healthier, more compassionate approach to ourselves.
In the next post, I’ll dive deeper into the process that enforces those limiting beliefs and holds you back: the inner critic. The inner critic is that voice in your head that says, ‘You’re not good enough’ or ‘You’ll never succeed.’ While it often stems from childhood experiences, we can learn to live with it, not against it. Until then, I invite you to reflect:
Which beliefs are holding you back? How might you begin to let go of them?
The first step on most journeys starts with awareness. Perfectionism may feel overwhelming, but with self-awareness and intentional effort, it’s possible to create a life defined by progress and self-compassion.
